This week has been very trying for me for many reasons. I guess I fell behind on entries, sorry about that! This has entry nothing to do with college, so forgive that, too.

I recently got results from the Vaginacologists about an ultrasound test I had gone for. At first I didn't quite understand what the results meant. The Lady-Doctor said I had a heart-shaped uterus and double endometrium, which explains a lot about why everything has been strange for the past nine months. The double endometrium thing is nothing, but what really killed me was the whole heart-shaped uterus deal.

I looked it up to just get a basic idea about it, and basically I'm never going to be able to have children. I could, technically, conceive, but 65-75% of the time it would be a miscarriage. It's scary to me because I would want to try just in case I got lucky and could have a child, but I would feel so very guilty if I miscarried. I'm not even looking to have children yet, but this news absolutely fucking shatters me.

I won't try to have children, it would be too cruel for me to do something like that. The baby would be crushed to death by my uterus - what a horrible way to go! I mean, I get upset when I think that Mav, my goldfish, doesn't have enough space to live. How could I possibly bring something into this world, even with all the love and best intentions, knowing it stood a chance of being killed so cruelly?

I'm setting another appointment up with the Lady-Doctor so I can find out to what degree my uterus is heart-shaped and if my uterus is completely incompetent (incapable of having babies). I think I was fine until Mom asked what was going on. It's not that she made me sad or whatever, but I had to come to terms with the truth and that's always really hard.

All throughout my life friends and family has told me what a great mother I was going to be, how caring I was, how I had the hips (and other equipment) for having kids. Lately on my way to school there have been several babies and toddlers on the bus, and every time I saw how cute they were I started looking more forward to one day having my own. I guess I was preparing my whole life to have kids, and raising them would be the triumph of my life. I would put my everything into my kids, my family would be my everything.

I feel like the rug has been torn out from under me because now I can't even look forward to that. Who the hell am I anymore? I never planned to have a career, or any other major focus. Even writing was placed second. My soul hurts so bad. I have so many questions and so much hurt and I can't cope with it. I can't even name a fucking Pokemon in a video game without crying because I'll never be able to name a child of my own. Taking care of Mav is almost painful and I can't do anything about it.

My heart is very, very broken. My soul can't breathe, and it hurts so bad.