This week has been very trying for me for many reasons. I guess I fell behind on entries, sorry about that! This has entry nothing to do with college, so forgive that, too.

I recently got results from the Vaginacologists about an ultrasound test I had gone for. At first I didn't quite understand what the results meant. The Lady-Doctor said I had a heart-shaped uterus and double endometrium, which explains a lot about why everything has been strange for the past nine months. The double endometrium thing is nothing, but what really killed me was the whole heart-shaped uterus deal.

I looked it up to just get a basic idea about it, and basically I'm never going to be able to have children. I could, technically, conceive, but 65-75% of the time it would be a miscarriage. It's scary to me because I would want to try just in case I got lucky and could have a child, but I would feel so very guilty if I miscarried. I'm not even looking to have children yet, but this news absolutely fucking shatters me.

I won't try to have children, it would be too cruel for me to do something like that. The baby would be crushed to death by my uterus - what a horrible way to go! I mean, I get upset when I think that Mav, my goldfish, doesn't have enough space to live. How could I possibly bring something into this world, even with all the love and best intentions, knowing it stood a chance of being killed so cruelly?

I'm setting another appointment up with the Lady-Doctor so I can find out to what degree my uterus is heart-shaped and if my uterus is completely incompetent (incapable of having babies). I think I was fine until Mom asked what was going on. It's not that she made me sad or whatever, but I had to come to terms with the truth and that's always really hard.

All throughout my life friends and family has told me what a great mother I was going to be, how caring I was, how I had the hips (and other equipment) for having kids. Lately on my way to school there have been several babies and toddlers on the bus, and every time I saw how cute they were I started looking more forward to one day having my own. I guess I was preparing my whole life to have kids, and raising them would be the triumph of my life. I would put my everything into my kids, my family would be my everything.

I feel like the rug has been torn out from under me because now I can't even look forward to that. Who the hell am I anymore? I never planned to have a career, or any other major focus. Even writing was placed second. My soul hurts so bad. I have so many questions and so much hurt and I can't cope with it. I can't even name a fucking Pokemon in a video game without crying because I'll never be able to name a child of my own. Taking care of Mav is almost painful and I can't do anything about it.

My heart is very, very broken. My soul can't breathe, and it hurts so bad.

Only one thing never fails to make me happy, and that is ordering freebies online and giving them Bethy's name. Ahh, this will pay off in a few weeks, and then in those few weeks I will laugh like I did when she found the AARP card. It is so worth the time and effort.

You'll probably be able to read about her reactions in her blog.

( http://www.aseriesofawkwardevents.blogspot.com/ )

9/8

Today was definitely an adventure. I got to the bus stop just in time to see the bus pulling up. I got on, and all was well la-de-dah, whatever. Then, when we were about 3/4ths of the way to CCRI, we get to the bumpy section of the road.

The bus should probably have been going 20 miles slower than it was, and I'm not sure when it was last inspected, but I had a feeling it was due for some maintenance. It felt like we were entering the atmosphere in a tin can, and it looked just like a subway car because the frame of the entire vehicle swayed. I was sure that something was going to break or fall off, and I was even more positive that I could get brain damage just by sitting on the bus on that road. It wasn't a 4-second deal, either. This went on for three minutes, and that's three minute too long!

When I got off the bus I couldn't stop moving. I felt like I was still on that terrifying bus ride. Then I found my class and made myself sit down. I met a nice girl named Cynthia. She's pretty and we had many things in common. I got the feeling that we were pretty much the same kind of person, and that's a hard thing to find.

After that my day went pretty normally. I texted Bethy and she made me lunch, which I believe is going to be a great part of my college days.

I love Homemaker Bethy. Kind of like Barbie, except Bethy isn't that tall, even on her toes.

First Week of College

College is rad.
I am attending CCRI (Community College of Rhode Island) in Lincoln, Rhode Island. It is a wonderful place where magic and science combine to make anything possible. I'm thoroughly convinced that you can do absolutely anything at CCRI.
Let me start with the day I took the Accuplacer Test. It was a sunny, bright, wonderful morning and I woke up with the omnipotent feeling that everything would be alright. I don't think I could have been more wrong for that day. I had a Vagynacologist appointment for an ultrasound that morning, and they had a very very very hard time finding my left ovary, and the technician kept making strange faces, so I'm not sure what's up with that. Anyhow, I wasn't allowed to pee, and that's all I remember about that morning.

As we entered the CCRI campus, all I could notice was how green everything was. It was like the campus itself was encompassed in hope. I realize how lame that sounds, but everything was so full of life.
Me and mom walked into the building at about 11, and asked a kindly old man which way to go. And as kindly as he appeared, he kindly showed us the right way to go. I walked down the hallway making myself believe that I would eventually get used to the place. We sat down in the accuplacer room, and Mom waited for me to enter the room before she went to do something. The first part of the test is an essay - and I did it the only way I know how - wonderfully B.S.'d.
After the test, which I finished like an hour earlier than I was supposed to, I went and saw Joann, Chrissy's mommy. She's wonderful and always looks younger than I think she does. She helped me out with the paperwork and told me where to go. So I went and sat waiting for the advisers.
Because I refuse to be bored for any amount of time in my life, I took out a pen and a useless leaflet that had coins on it and started coloring it. I did that for an hour and a half. Mom came back and gave me a sprite, a newspaper which I started to color, and some change. 45 minutes later I was out of the adviser's office, and ready to go home. I had forgotten my cell phone, which was dead anyhow, so I used the change to call mom on a payphone.

It ate the change, and I didn't have enough left for another call. I had five dollars, but as far as I was told, the cafeteria was closed an the receptionists weren't allowed to let me use their phone. So I did the only thing I could do at that point, wait for mom to realize how long I was gone and not contacting her was weird.

I sat on the bench out front and watched the cars going by waiting for mom. I let myself watch the birds, whom I've identified as a flock of Lincoln's Sparrows and not House Sparrows, pick at the ground in groups, and dance around in the skies. I believe there was a non-sparrow among them who thought he/she was a sparrow. It was a redish in all the places the others were brown/gray. That's all I have to say about that.
So I waited until 5, when I could wait no longer, and started walking home. I didn't know how to get home from there, but thought about breaking the five dollar bill at the nearest store and calling from a payphone - again. However, just as I was walking past the Canada Geese, and stepping in my fair share of poo and whatnot, Momma came down the driveway. She had crackers, thank god, and let me wait in the parking lot while she went in to do whatever she went in to do.
Then I went home.

The first day of classes, Tuesday, Momma drove me there and back. It was a 4-6:30 class with Ted Clement, so I was nervous and excited. Mom helped me find the class and then I walked her out. As soon as I sat down in 2706, I calmed down somewhat. Ted called me out in the first five minutes, so after that all of my fear and anxiety was gone.
It isn't like camp, it isn't exactly like recess. It is something more, but we definitely did Froggy, and Red Leather Yellow Leather and Assassins, and we screamed in each other's faces and played the hand squeezing version of zap and held hands with everybody. It was a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to next Tuesday.

The next day, yeah that's all I have for classes on Tuesday, I have English Comp I, which isn't a ton of fun, but I can tell I'm going to learn a lot from it. I had trouble catching the bus because on that very day, September, 3, 2008, RIPTA cut 20% of the buses. Aunt Nettie got me to and from school on that day, and I was very thankful for her help. I arrived early enough to find my class, talk to Gage and Kyko, and sit down early. The teacher, Mrs. Martin, is very nice and down to earth. The class starts at noon and ends at 12:50. It is the only class I have on Wednesdays. Aunt Nettie drove me home, and on the way I realized she only had 7 miles left of gas, and I didn't know how far away the gas station was, but I was positive home was 7+ miles away. Luckily we got to a gas station and filled up. Bethy made lunch, which was a delicious sticky rice with chicken, vegetable and soy sauce. It was good. Then Bethy found out about MSR bounced check while we were eating.

Thursday I have two classes, English Comp I in a different room, and English literature; fantasy and Sci-fi. I successfully took the bus that morning, and got to school in time to find the different room, a computer lab. I wrote the essay she wanted and left early like she said after taking down the homework. I had three hours until my next class, so I wandered around, trying to find it, and also trying to find my Math Lab. Which, horrifically, only runs when I'm already in classes. After that I went to the cafeteria and wrote a rough draft of the English Comp homework while eating my lunch. After that I set out to explore, find the class I had found, and lost, earlier, and when I was sure I had found it, and would know where it was, I searched for an abandoned place to get the English Comp reading done. Turned out that there are few, if any empty places in CCRI. So I found an empty hallway, and a clean, cool corner and sat down to do my reading. The hallway walls were entirely glass, and I must have been near the nursing wing because lots of people in scrubs walked by. I texted bethy, but she didn't text back. So I got to work reading chapter 1 and 16, and went back to my rough draft and applied the information I had learned to the homework assignment.
The Fantasy and Sci-fi class was at 4, so I set my cell phone's alarm to 3:30, so I would have a chance to find the class, because I knew, I just KNEW that I wouldn't be able to find it quickly. I was one of the first to get to the class, and for the first ten minutes or so I was the only girl. I immediately thought: I'm in a room full of DnDers. They were wearing WoW shirts and looked generally like their lives were college and RPing. I think I may have envied them. Mrs. Lillard was a little late, and I thought for sure, by the looks of her, that she was a bore. I surprisingly learned a lot from her in the very first lesson. If you ever get a chance, read a little story called The Zebra Storyteller. I actually understand it now and that's the scary part, because its insane.
The homework was pretty awesome, too. I just had to read a couple packets and a couple chapters. I like it a lot. I can't say how much I love it.
After class, Daddy picked me up and we went to Subway for dinner. It was tasty. Then I went home and vegged.

That was my first week of classes, although I don't think I could call it a week, seeing as it was three days and four classes. Also I never have class before noon, no class on Friday, and one class every day except on Thursday when I have two. EASY schedule. Thanks Leah and Chrissy for helping me pick out my classes, I love them!